Monday, October 12, 2015

The Breakup Saga pt1

2015 has been the worst year of my entire life.

It is now close to mid October and I have finally AT LAST found out the truth about mostly everything having to do with my broken relationship. I need a place to write it all down so that I remember not only the details, but the excrutiating feelings I've gone through in order to never again take this man back.

When 2014 was on its way out, I told G I would be moving out. It wasn't because I stopped loving him or caring about him, it was because things weren't working with the two of us and I needed to add space to help re-evaluate what was happening. With the two of us living under the same roof for a few years, it became increasingly difficult to stay objective and we needed a breather. So in January, I moved out.

I was still semi-living with him, paying frequent visits, and hadn't purchased a single piece of furniture for my new condo, 30 minutes away. We were talking every single day and he would call me to wish me good night. Things were pretty difficult on the phone, there was definitely an aura of strain and deep sadness because of my physical move out. But really, underneath it all were remnants of our rocky last year together.

To be continued.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

4/16/15 Gratitude List

As part of my recovery process, I have decided to write down 2 things I am grateful for each day. Perhaps it will be the same 2 things every day but I need to remind myself of the good things I have in life to refocus my energy on the light of things.

1. My dog, Lev, for being a good boy and always keeping me company - through the bad and good days.
2. My job, for being stable and very good paying so I get to sustain my lifestyle and put money away.

Death of a Best Friend

I want to talk about experiencing the death of someone who is still alive. At the beginning of this year, I moved out of my boyfriend's home to live 30 minutes away in a 2 bedroom condo on my own with one of our dogs. There was a lot of thought that went into the decision, but ultimately, I wasn't happy in my situation, felt very neglected and unappreciated, and thought it would be best to separate myself physically in order to to provide both him and me the space to reflect and recognize what it is that we have - with the hopes of finding new appreciation for ourselves.

Little did I know that the move would end up crushing both of us. He withdrew almost instantly. During the move, he did not speak out and I thought it would be fine. But as soon as I was out, there were foreign rules set in place like I can no longer come and go as I pleased after sharing a home together for nearly 2 years, I had even made him keys to my new place, but no, none of it mattered - I was no longer welcome. I began to feel a little panicked, what was happening?

One event after another and I found myself alone in an empty condo with my phone lacking the rings and the texts I would receive every day for the last 3 years. And before I knew it, he had left me hanging with the pretext of needing time to think and do some soul searching.

What followed the next few months was absolute hell. I mean absolute hell. I have never been in love until this relationship. My heart was broken for the first time in my life. It began with sleepless nights, to this day I haven't slept through a SINGLE night since January. I cried myself to sleep and when I was awake I would cry all of the time. I began to slack off at work because I couldn't think straight. I couldn't eat. I couldn't move. I felt like my best friend had died - yet he was still alive.

The difference between losing a loved one to death and to a breakup is that it feels like death but you know they are living and breathing somewhere out in the world and it makes you feel completely abandoned and unwanted. I began to grieve. I didn't know what we were but I soon found out I was broken up with - the words were never uttered so I was just left in a state of limbo waiting.

The confirmation sunk in when he told me not to wait for him while he figures things out. What's there to figure out if you love somebody, I thought? Wouldn't you want to mend things together?

Anyway, I am past that point. I've accepted that I am no longer wanted by a man I've been madly in love with for the last 3 years. I've come to accept life goes on and I must make a new path for myself. What an unpredictable life. I sigh. I find myself sighing every moment I think about him, often times with deep disappointment.

My love remains unconditional. But I learned that relationships are not. Who knows if we will ever get back together? For now, I must get myself back and that comes with accepting he will never return. And off I go to my next adventure with pain of the death of my best friend murmuring quietly in my heart.


Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.
Lev Tolstoy

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Finding Myself

April is already here. One of my favorite months of the year, especially since moving to the east coast.

April means spring. New hope, new dreams, warm weather, new adventures.

April is a fresh start for me. I am letting all of the things from my past go and am focusing on now and the future and I feel very optimistic.

I'm looking around for inspirational readings, growth type materials, and am focusing on my fitness and professional growth.

I'm beginning to feel like myself again. One day at a time... I'm finding my way home - to me.

Somewhere in Nevada

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Maybe not today

It's 1 a.m. and I'm still up. Part because I have a midterm this weekend and I've been trying to study and the other part, because I get distracted way too easily and have been doing everything but study.

Tomorrow will be mine...

Tuesday, September 16, 2014


I've begun drifting. Both in my literal life and, well, just life. I decided to abandon WordPress, which I didn't think through when my hosting expired, I kind of lost everything. Not that there were too many posts to save, but nevertheless. Then I created a Wix account because, hey, the commercial was cool, it's free, and they have cool templates. 

But - blogging is more fun when a site is actually made for just bloggers. So I'm back. But enough rambling about that, why bother when there are so many more things happening in my life worth rambling about?

I'm approaching my nomad deadline, as I like to refer to it. It's the period that I stay at one place and then leave - magically the number thus far has been 4 years. Back in January 2011 (how easy it is to recollect when you have a dated blog!), I moved to the east coast from California. Well, to Boston to be specific. And I have technically moved since then up to New Hampshire, so I don't know if my nomad deadline will count this time. But the itching is there. That desire to move, to seek new change.

Only problem is I don't really know where and I don't really know how. I mean I found a job here that I like. I have a boyfriend, whom I've been with for over 2 years that I constantly go through ups and downs with. And I'm about to start taking classes (remote) to get my second degree in computer science. With all of that - would I even be ready for a change if it fell on my head?

Mmm. Probably not.

Did I mention I got 2 puppies? Oh yeah. There are those to consider. But I am going off of a tangent. 

I think with everything considered and this extremely dissatisfying and unruly feeling of something not being "right", something missing from the equation is making me rethink of my life's circumstances. Perhaps I need a new scene. Or someone that will dance with me to classical music under the moon.

One thing is for certain - either I or my environment is due for a change. Soon.